the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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