Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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