I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
