I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
