How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
