I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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