You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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