Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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