If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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