New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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