The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
