I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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