gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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