dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
