Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
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i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
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So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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