I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
