As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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