Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
