His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
