I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
