listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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