Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
