How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
