I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
