I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
