After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just threw up on my dentist
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
