I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
