We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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