Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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