it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
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Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
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I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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