He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
