that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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