Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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