woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
