If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
