If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
