i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
