Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
