yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
