Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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