Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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