Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
