i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
