They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
