I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
