I'm gonna have a badass scar
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
