when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
