I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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