ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
