My first STD was from a foam party
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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