Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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