Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
