One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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