I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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