I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
