I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
