you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
