things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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