He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
