This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
