dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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